There was no shortage of entertainment on hand at Rihanna’s 22nd birthday last week, unless you count the midget stripper in the leather corset. Nine MSN says
Rihanna’s new boyfriend Matt Kemp the idea to present her with a frisky little person stripper for her birthday.
“Bridget the Midget” performed a raunchy dance for Rhi at her birthday party in Arizona and according to other party guests, Rihanna absolutely loved the kooky gift.
“She thought it was funny,” says a friend.
“Funny” is a fat person being dragged face-first through the sand while still attached to a parasail. A half-naked dwarf wielding a riding crop is not funny. It’s like something from a Stephen King novel. All she needs is a twin and a tricycle and she’d make Pennywise the Clown look like the goddamn Easter Bunny.
What better way to kickstart your weekend than watching Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face? It seems the logical order of events, since you’ve already seen her get pissed on and drilled like an Alaskan shoreline. Us Magazine says
On Sunday’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian steps into the ring for a charity boxing match — with harsh results.
She ends up taking several punches to the face.
“I’ve never been hit so hard,” Kim, 29, says in the clip (above).
The only way I’d enjoy this more is if her helmet had flown off in the middle of it all. And maybe if instead of a boxing ring, it was set of concrete stairs surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles and sharks and sharpened wooden poles dipped in cyanide. But no sense in getting greedy, is there? If there’s one thing this whole Haiti travesty has taught me, it’s to be grateful for what I’ve got. So, thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful clip of Kim Kardashian getting her ass kicked. Amen!
Now that everybody has seen it 4,583 times in their official “Jersey Shore” promo (see above), MTV has suddenly decided to yank the footage of housemate Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi being punched in piehole from next week’s episode. MTV said in a written statement
“What happened to Snooki was a crime and obviously extremely disturbing. After hearing from our viewers, further consulting with experts on the issue of violence, and seeing how the video footage has been taken out of context not to show the severity of this act or resulting consequences, MTV has decided not to air Snooki being physically punched in the face.”
While they might not be showing it, the fight will still be addressed in the episode, which will also end with a message from the Teen Dating Abuse Helpline organization. Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it? Now it’s not a shameless hook for ratings; it’s an outreach to abused teens! I think Mammy from “Gone with the Wind” said it best: You can give yourself airs, and get yourself all rigged up like you were a race horse, but at the end of the day you’re still just a mule in a horse harness and you don’t fool anybody. MTV pretending it has some kind of moral fiber is like a hooker pulling out elbow-length gloves and and a pair of opera glasses before she sucks you off behind a Luby’s parking lot dumpster. Really, why even bother.
The Situation, JWoww, Pauly D and Snooki greasing it up Hollywood over the weekend:
In case you had a hard time believing that somebody like Tiger Woods would actually diddle a porn star, “Suck It Dry 6″ star Holly Sampson was telling the interwebs all about her indiscretion with the golfer way before Tiger parked his SUV in that tree. TMZ says
Porn star Holly Sampson talked openly about allegedly bedding Tiger Woods on an adult website [six months ago], in May [of 2009].
Nobody believed it back then — but that was before Tiger admitted his “transgressions.”
TMZ obtained the riveting interview from Naughty America’s “Live with Lauren,” and I took the liberty of editing the highlights for you:
Did you fuck anybody famous?
Sampson: “I had sex with Kevin Costner… he has a huge dick. Huge! He could line 10 girls up in a row and fuck them all, no problem at all… he wasn’t married at the time.”
Anybody else?
Sampson: “Oh, I had sex with Tiger Woods… me and my girlfriends, we did a bachelor party for Tiger… he picked me to go in the room..and I have to say he was really good.”
Did Tiger fuck you doggystyle?
Sampson: “No… he’s like the whitest black boy you’ve ever met. His teeth are perfect and he’s the perfect gentleman. He’s beautiful.”
Did you suck Tiger’s cock?
Sampson: “Ummm… I did.”
Did he go down on you?
Sampson: “You know, I can’t remember… No, I don’t think he did… it was pretty simple, straight up sex.”
Where did Tiger cum?
Sampson: In his condom, like a good boy. I practice safe sex.
You look a lot like his wife…
Sampson: “I know! I think he would probably die if he knew I was telling this on the internet but that’s okay, I don’t care. It was fun, it’s not like it was any big mystery.”
Damn skippy it’s no big mystery! The whole GD world knows all the nasty places Tiger’s been stuffing his putter. It’s over, man. The carefully crafted facade is gone. If this guy were any more fucked, he’d be Lindsay Lohan’s asshole on New Year’s Eve. And five-to-one odds says he’s been there, too.
Porn actress Joslyn James, star of such hits as “Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2″ and “Seymore Butts: Jenna 9.5″ (NOT making these up), has become the tenth woman implicated in the Tiger Woodscheating scandal. The Daily Mail says
Joslyn James, who has starred in a number of extremely explicit adult films, allegedly slept with the sportsman on a number of occasions.
According to sports website Deadspin.com, she had boasted of their relationship to a friend [and] is said to have considered herself Woods’ ‘full-time mistress.’
I’m hoping Tiger was on this hot mess before the gender-reassignment surgery went so terribly, terribly wrong, but at this point, to be honest, it doesn’t even matter anymore. The guy has no standards whatsoever. You could paint of vagina on the side of a tree and chances are good he’d end up plastered to it Wile E. Coyote-style.
His beautiful muse in action (you may want to douse yourself with Bactine before watching):
A never-before-seen home video of Marilyn Monroe toking on a joint nearly 50 years ago can be all yours for the bargain price of $500,000. The NY Daily News says
The silent film was shot by an unidentified friend of the iconic movie star and had been sitting in an attic for years.
Monroe is passed a cigarette and takes a puff. She doesn’t inhale deeply and later sniffs her armpit and laughs.
The filmmaker, who kept the footage in the attic, confirmed the cigarette contained marijuana.
“I got [the pot]. It was mine. It was just passed around,” the filmmaker said. “It was not a party. It was just a get-together. You know, come over and hang out.”
New York-based collector Keya Morgan bought the film for $275,000 and plans to put it up for sale on eBay later this week.
Be sure to catch Marilyn is other cult classics such as “Some Like it Pot,” “Seven Year Ditchweed” and my personal favorite, “Gentlemen Prefer Blunts.”
Nothing good every happens in the gossip world around the holidays, and this Thanksgiving is no different. So enjoy this hearty helping of mindless fluff: The Muppets doing Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Critics agree, even this seems less scripted and hackneyed than Adam Lambert’s AMA’s performance Sunday night. I guess having some dude’s fist up their ass is just about the only thing that Adam Lambert and The Muppets really have in common.
Oprah Winfrey is expected to announce on her show today that The Oprah Winfrey Show will cease production in 2011. That sound you hear is the collective wail of middle-aged housewives everywhere sobbing into a Rocky-Road-stained copy of “East of Eden.” The president of Harpo Production said in a statement
“Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011.”
Well, there’s still her network, her magazines, her books, her radio show, her production company, her film company, and her school. I think we’ll somehow manage to find a way to cope in her absence.
Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says
The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.
She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.
“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”
She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”
Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ
[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”
[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.
Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.
Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’ssex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.
Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:
