I don’t know anyone who watches “The Bachelor,” and if I found out that someone I knew did watch “The Bachelor,” it would be the end of our acquaintanceship forever, but I’m still going to make you read about it because I went to high school with that one slut who got kicked off for fucking a producer while they were taping. No, seriously. I swear. I make a lot of shit up, but this is the honest-to-God truth: Rozlyn Papa and I both went to The Collegiate School in Richmond, Virginia in ‘97. She was a sophomore when I was a senior. And, incidentally, she was just as big a slut then as she is now, except without the fake tits and new lips and the sex tape that’s about to hit the interwebs. TMZ says
The tape is being shopped to a variety of XXX companies all over all over L.A. — including LiveJasmin.com
We spoke to a rep from the website who tells us he saw the tape and “it’s definitely Rozlyn… performing one sexual act with a well-endowed gentleman.”
A rep for Papa [says] the reality star has, “no knowledge of any tape.”
Notice she says she has no “knowledge” of the tape. Not that there isn’t one; just that if there happens to be one out there, she was under duress/drugged/suffering from amnesia when it happened and doesn’t remember it. Yeah. Try telling the arresting officer who approaches the window that you have no knowledge of any “alcohol” or “drugs” or even any “car” for that matter, and could he please explain what is meant by “bridge abutment” and “I-40 exit ramp at 72 miles an hour,” because you have no knowledge of those things, as it happens. All that’ll get you is a billy club to the face and Christmas in jail. That stupid bitch isn’t fooling anybody.
There was no shortage of entertainment on hand at Rihanna’s 22nd birthday last week, unless you count the midget stripper in the leather corset. Nine MSN says
Rihanna’s new boyfriend Matt Kemp the idea to present her with a frisky little person stripper for her birthday.
“Bridget the Midget” performed a raunchy dance for Rhi at her birthday party in Arizona and according to other party guests, Rihanna absolutely loved the kooky gift.
“She thought it was funny,” says a friend.
“Funny” is a fat person being dragged face-first through the sand while still attached to a parasail. A half-naked dwarf wielding a riding crop is not funny. It’s like something from a Stephen King novel. All she needs is a twin and a tricycle and she’d make Pennywise the Clown look like the goddamn Easter Bunny.
Alicia Keys is currently in Rio de Janeiro filming a new music video with Beyonce for her latest single “Put It In a Love Song.” Although from these pictures, “Put It In a Love Song” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Now “The Ballad of the Sea Donkey,” that I could understand. I don’t know why singers try to make song titles so ambiguous sometimes.
There’s no denying that a sex tape starring presidential hopeful John Edwards and former campaign worker Rielle Hunter exists — Big Brother has gotten its hands on it. The NY Post says
The tape shows Edwards in a sexual encounter with a pregnant woman believed to be Hunter.
According to an affidavit filed by [Edwards' longtime aide Andrew Young] last night, the original sex tape is in an Atlanta safety-deposit box. Another copy has been turned over to the FBI.
And right there, boys and girls, are your tax dollars hard at work. Operative word being “hard.” Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
What better way to kickstart your weekend than watching Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face? It seems the logical order of events, since you’ve already seen her get pissed on and drilled like an Alaskan shoreline. Us Magazine says
On Sunday’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian steps into the ring for a charity boxing match — with harsh results.
She ends up taking several punches to the face.
“I’ve never been hit so hard,” Kim, 29, says in the clip (above).
The only way I’d enjoy this more is if her helmet had flown off in the middle of it all. And maybe if instead of a boxing ring, it was set of concrete stairs surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles and sharks and sharpened wooden poles dipped in cyanide. But no sense in getting greedy, is there? If there’s one thing this whole Haiti travesty has taught me, it’s to be grateful for what I’ve got. So, thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful clip of Kim Kardashian getting her ass kicked. Amen!
Keeley Hazell did a lovely little photo shoot as a promo for her new interactive video “Keeping Keeley”, sponsored by Lynx Effect (that’s Axe Body Spray to Americans). We had exclusive behind-the-scenes footage from the video last week, as you probably recall. Americans can’t watch the video, because that’s just the price which must be paid for having body sprays named after lumberjack tools instead of big cats (and also because the video is available exclusively to UK residents, who can watch it here).
But hey, quit crying your little bitch tears, Americans! There’s a sub-par Yank consolation prize! Here’s the trailer for “Keeping Keeley”:
And here’s the Axe Detailer video “Clean Your Balls” starring Jamie Pressly:
And in other sexy news, Abby will be back tomorrow (for realsies this time [I'm pretty sure]) so you can have a joyous reunion and finally stop cursing my name and wondering when the hell I’m gonna go away. It’s been delightful, my dears!
Kisses,
Sarah
Keeley Hazell in a promo shoot for “Keeping Keeley”:
Noah Cyrus, ten-year-old sister of Miley Cyrus, has been on this site twice, both times for being creepy and disturbing (once for dressing like a child prostitute and once for appearing in a YouTube video singing and dancing to Akon’s “Smack That”). Not satisfied with freaking people out by acting like a preteen whore, Noah has moved on to singing about alcoholic partying, appearing in a YouTube video lip-synching (poorly) to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” with an unidentified man.
This is creepy for many reasons, most of which involve the fact that this kid is TEN YEARS OLD. She should not be singing about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, trying to get a little tipsy, having plenty of beer, or getting crunk and having boys try to touch her junk. SHE’S TEN. Even in the Cyrus family, that shit can wait until she’s at least 12.
In other news, holy hell this is one unfortunate looking kid, huh? Miley’s kinda homely herself, but DAYUM her little sister is fug. And that’s some serious Hermione Granger hair she’s got going on. Your family’s got millions, kid. I think maybe they’d buy you a brush if you asked nicely.
Keeley Hazell is gorgeous and built like a Barbie doll and also seems like a really sweet person, so more of her is always good news. She’s got a new interactive video premiering later this month, and we’ve got behind-the-scenes footage from the filming.
Here’s some info about the video:
“We’re happy to confirm that the interactive video will be called “Keeping Keeley” and will be going live on January 18th. Starring Keeley Hazell (of course) in the lead role, and Blake Harrison from The Inbetweeners as the hopeful guy trying to get his hands on her. Viewers will be able to choose multiple options through the film, with the chance of ending up at a lingerie show, a pool party, or back at Keeley’s for a coffee. There’s a pile of alternative endings, so people should want to come back for more! Readers can get more info on the Facebook page.”
What this means, essentially, is that there will be a Choose Your Own Adventure video starring Keeley Hazell. Choose Your Own Adventure books were the tits, and Keeley Hazell has an astounding rack, so basically what I’m saying is that this might be the best day of your life.
Oh hey, heads up for any of our London readers: we’ve got a special Keeley Hazell/Lynx goodie bag for the first person to request it in the comments, because we’re THAT awesome and we love you pervs. Be sure to fill in a valid email when you leave your comment, because we’re also awesomely lazy and we’ll ignore your request if you can’t be arsed to tell us how to get hold of you.
We’re smack dab in the middle of the Christmastime news slowdown, people. No one’s slipping any nipple, no one’s really misbehaving, NOTHING’S FREAKING HAPPENING! So, here’s a really random, really creepy video of some guy made of himself making out with a Hannah Montana towel courtesy of Buzzfeed. In it, the man “undresses” the Hannah Montana towel, feeds her pre-chewed chocolate, makes out with her, and ends by washing her in the sink, all set to the tune of Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares”. It’s almost too gross and creepy to watch, but it was either this or reading about Jon & Kate Gosselin finally getting divorced. After watching this video, you might want that story instead.
