I don’t know anyone who watches “The Bachelor,” and if I found out that someone I knew did watch “The Bachelor,” it would be the end of our acquaintanceship forever, but I’m still going to make you read about it because I went to high school with that one slut who got kicked off for fucking a producer while they were taping. No, seriously. I swear. I make a lot of shit up, but this is the honest-to-God truth: Rozlyn Papa and I both went to The Collegiate School in Richmond, Virginia in ‘97. She was a sophomore when I was a senior. And, incidentally, she was just as big a slut then as she is now, except without the fake tits and new lips and the sex tape that’s about to hit the interwebs. TMZ says
The tape is being shopped to a variety of XXX companies all over all over L.A. — including LiveJasmin.com
We spoke to a rep from the website who tells us he saw the tape and “it’s definitely Rozlyn… performing one sexual act with a well-endowed gentleman.”
A rep for Papa [says] the reality star has, “no knowledge of any tape.”
Notice she says she has no “knowledge” of the tape. Not that there isn’t one; just that if there happens to be one out there, she was under duress/drugged/suffering from amnesia when it happened and doesn’t remember it. Yeah. Try telling the arresting officer who approaches the window that you have no knowledge of any “alcohol” or “drugs” or even any “car” for that matter, and could he please explain what is meant by “bridge abutment” and “I-40 exit ramp at 72 miles an hour,” because you have no knowledge of those things, as it happens. All that’ll get you is a billy club to the face and Christmas in jail. That stupid bitch isn’t fooling anybody.
There’s no denying that a sex tape starring presidential hopeful John Edwards and former campaign worker Rielle Hunter exists — Big Brother has gotten its hands on it. The NY Post says
The tape shows Edwards in a sexual encounter with a pregnant woman believed to be Hunter.
According to an affidavit filed by [Edwards' longtime aide Andrew Young] last night, the original sex tape is in an Atlanta safety-deposit box. Another copy has been turned over to the FBI.
And right there, boys and girls, are your tax dollars hard at work. Operative word being “hard.” Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Tiger Woods’ attorneys have gone ahead and put the kibosh on the airing of any nude photos and videos of their disgraced client. TMZ says
Tiger Woods’ lawyers sent a letter to multiple papers and blogs stating the court order “prevents the publication of any photographs, footage or images taken or obtained of the claimant [Tiger] naked or any naked parts of the claimant’s [Tiger's] body or of him involved in any sexual activity.”
But then they throw in this little disclaimer:
“This order is not to be taken as any admission that any such photographs exist, and in the event they do exist they may have been fabricated, altered, manipulated and/or changed to create the false appearance and impression that they are nude photographs of our client.”
Translation: oh, they’re out there — just give it time. The internet bows to no man. Once nekkid pics surface, they’re impossible to squelch. It’d be like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down. And how do you solve a problem like Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown! There. Now it’s in your head the rest of the day, too. Stupid Sound of Music. But I digress…
On to nobler pastures, Tiger was also paying for a lot of the pussy he was raking in. As in hookers. E! Online says
The owner of a now-defunct VIP escort service [Michelle Braun] says that she counted Woods among her celebrity clients and that the golfer “had a pretty big appetite for women.”
Two of [her] former employees were porn actress Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers. Neither Sampson nor Jungers could be reached for comment about their involvement with Braun, who gave E! News copies of [their] 1099 tax forms [from] last year.
Woods [was] always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.”
Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip.
First cocktail waitresses, then porn stars, now hookers — he’s pretty much run the gamut when it comes to your run-of-the-mill whore. All that’s left to surface now are donkeys and German transvestite dominatrices. I give it ’till the end of next week.
The Dirty already gave you a little taste of this, but now it’s getting national attention: Tiger Woods may have a number of bastard children on the way. According to the National Enquirer
A disgraced Tiger Woods is terrified that the worst news is yet to come - that he fathered love children with his mistresses!
The golf great had wild unprotected sex with a string of mistresses and now he fears claims that his out-of-control sexual proclivities may have produced children.
“That would be the final straw for his wife - AND Tiger knows it,” said an insider. “But there is definitely more than one woman out there who could come forward to say she had his babies.”
And even better, one of his unnamed whores is claiming to have sold naked pictures of Tiger to Playgirl, and now there’s even a sex tape in the mix:
The bombshell charge that could wreck what’s left of his once squeaky-clean image, sink his badly tattered marriage and destroy his multimillion-dollar endorsement empire — his many liaisons may have been caught on tape!
The 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could [wind up on the internet]. At least one of the women [with whom he had an affair is said to have] shot homemade videos of romps with [the golfer].
Tiger’s frantic handlers are scrambling to bury any talk of sex tapes, minimize the damage and perform CPR on his image.
He’s gone from being the clean-cut patron saint of golf to porking skanks he met in a truck stop bathroom off I-40. I don’t think “image CPR” is going to cut it. Maybe a defibrillator or seventeen, powered by gamma rays produced by nuclear fusion in hydrogen core of the sun. And even then, the odds aren’t good. Unless he finds a cure for childhood cancer and figures out how to make every day Christmas for the next 20 year, his endorsement deals are pretty much over.
Although she made a living off of being naked, reality star (?) Tila Tequila doesn’t want you watching her “stolen” sex tape. According to TMZ
Just days after she Ustreamed herself in a naked rant, a new XXX video surfaced on a porn site called 4tube.com featuring Tila in a very compromising adult position with a naked man.
Tila doesn’t know why the video is surfacing now, but she claims it was ripped from a laptop that she reported stolen roughly two years ago — and now she’s threatening to sue the site for posting the clip.
The only thing surprising about this is that it’s been this long without a Tila Tequila sex tape on the interwebs. I just assumed she already had one or twenty of ‘em out there. Didn’t you? It’s like finding out the Hanukkah Fairy isn’t Jewish or that your mom isn’t a whore. Okay, okay — settle down — geez, I’m just being facetious here. Everybody already knows your mom’s a whore. I was just using that as a frame of reference.
Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’ssex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.
Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:
This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.
Former Miss California Carrie Prejean made it sound like her sex tape was an isolated incident, but it turns out there are actually eight videos of Carrie working over her Holy of Holies, along with thirty nude photos of the pageant star. Radar Online says
She called the sex tape “the biggest mistake of her life.”
Now an investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances, just like the one sex tape that the religious beauty queen has admitted to. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror.
She might have lost out on her pageant settlement because of those tapes, but porn company Vivid Entertainment is now offering Ms. Prejean a hefty settlement to sign over the rights to the video for public distribution. According to TMZ
Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch [contacted] Prejean’s lawyer, Charles Limandri, [and asked] to acquire the rights to distribute “erotic footage that Carrie Prejean produced for her boyfriend following their four day rendezvous in February 2007.”
In the letter, Hirsch tries tempting Carrie with this: “We would like to present Carrie with several options where she could certainly earn millions of dollars.”
[However, Prejean's] attorney says Carrie’s mom/rep says, “No, at any price.”
Given the nature of all this, I really enjoyed the following quote from her new book “Still Standing”: “God gave us our bodies, our temples of the Holy Spirit, and it’s perfectly right that we use them in ways where we can give glory to God.” Hell, I didn’t know masturbating was giving glory to God. Mom and Dad always acted like it was a sin. This is really going to change the way I do Mass.
Here’s one that will make your asshole pucker: Jon Gosselin has a sex tape. Hope you just haven’t had breakfast! According to the National Enquirer:
“[Jon's bodyguard] told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.
“He said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”
“People close to Jon” paid a girl to slap uglies with him while they videotaped it? That’s kinda shady, isn’t it? It sounds like TLC found themselves a little loophole in case Tubby got any bright ideas about a lawsuit. Nothing says “unfit parent” like footage of you snorting blow off a hooker’s ass. Especially if your kids are the ones holding the camera and you keep yelling, “Hold the goddamn camera still, dumbass! You’re gonna fuck up my video again!” at the camera. Experience has taught me that Domestic Relations Courts tend to frown on that sort of thing.
Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says
Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.
God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.
