Magazine

Kim Kardashian in Australian FHM

March 11th, 2010 at 11:17am Under Celebrity News

As much as I hate and despise Kim Kardashian, I’ll be the first to admit she’s got an unbelievable body. If God could some how strike her deaf and mute, she’d be the perfect woman. But New Testament God isn’t down with vengeance the way Old Testament God was, unless you count Lindsay Lohan as a plague. I think we all would have preferred the frog rain and a river of blood.

Taylor Swift Goes Straight in Elle Magazine

March 9th, 2010 at 11:27am Under Celebrity News

Country singer Taylor Swift sports an edgier, flat-ironed ‘do in next month’s issue of Elle magazine. I have to say, it’s a real improvement. I had no idea how much better going straight would be. Which, incidentally, are eleven words you’ll never hear come out of Matthew Broderick’s mouth in succession. Not without him dissolving into a fit of giggles and a lot of frantic hand-flapping, anyway.

S.S. Hayden Panettiere in Lush Magazine

March 5th, 2010 at 03:31pm Under Celebrity News

When did Hayden Panettiere turn into 6 foot Amazonian? The Hayden Panettiere I know and hate has giant Christmas hams for legs, but the chick in the picture has more gam than Christy fucking Turlington. If they’re gonna feed me lies like these, it really wouldn’t hurt them to try and sugarcoat them first. And by “sugarcoat” I mean “more boobs.” Really, is that really so much to ask?

Lindsay Lohan Mostly Naked in Purple Magazine

March 5th, 2010 at 10:09am Under Celebrity News

Photographer Terry Richardson looks like he should be on a street corner in a wheelchair with a bottle of whiskey and recurring Nam flashbacks (see him here in this creepy pic with the whole Lohan family) but he has somehow managed to convince the women he shoots to take off their clothes in the name of “art.” Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not arguing objectification. Objectify and hyper-sexualize all you want. What I’m arguing against is the masquerading of objectification as art. Don’t dip a turd in frosting and tell me it’s a goddamn cupcake. Because now I make sure to really smell all desserts before I actually bite into them. That’s one mistake I won’t make twice!

Audrina Partridge in FHM UK

March 2nd, 2010 at 09:35am Under Celebrity News

“The Hills” star Audrina Partridge strips down in the British version of FHM, which you’ll notice is a lot like our FHM, but with kilometers instead of miles and fish ‘n’ chips instead of toothbrushes. Lucky for us, boobs are not bound by cultural idiosyncrasies. Pip pip cheerio, mates!

S.S. Marisa Miller in Vegas Magazine

March 1st, 2010 at 08:59pm Under Celebrity News

I don’t know who would want to ruin a perfectly good set of pictures of Marisa Miller being sexy by Sharpie-ing eyebrows like those on her face. Groucho Marx or Bert from Sesame Street certainly come to mind. In reality, it was probably some woman-hating gay in a mesh tank top and studded satin pants wielding a kohl eye pencil and enough abject bitterness to fuel an entire army of Rupert Everetts. So probably my dad, then. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Olivia Wilde in Elle Magazine

February 19th, 2010 at 10:12am Under Celebrity News

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It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words, but these pictures of Olivia Wilde in Elle magazine have just about done the trick. Adjectives fail me. So suffice it to say, “rrrmmmbleghrmmmbleghrrmm.” Motorboating noises are my go-to staple in times of uncomfortably aroused distress.

Tags: 2010, elle, Gossip, magazine, march, Olivia Wilde, Photos, pictures

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Robert Pattinson is “Allergic to Vagina”

February 15th, 2010 at 09:24am Under Celebrity News

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Twilight puss Robert Pattinson was forced to endure a 12-hour photo shoot with a bunch of naked chicks for his spread in next month’s Details magazine. See if you can guess how much he enjoyed that. Nine MSN says

“I really hate vaginas,” Showbiz Spy quoted him as saying. “I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours.

But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

“Allergic to vagina?” I’ve never heard it called that before. Most people usually refer to that condition as “faggoty-ass faggot.” In fact, that’s actually the correct term to use when filling out medical questionnaires and college applications. Just so you know.

Several of these are NSFW:

Tags: boobs, breasts, details, Gossip, magazine, Photos, pictures, Robert Pattinson, topless, Twilight, vaginas

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S.S. Haley Glassman is Stepping Out

February 11th, 2010 at 09:40pm Under Celebrity News

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Hailey Glassman (Jon Gosselin’s original whore. You remember — the daughter of the plastic surgeon that did Kate’s c-section? The one who made love to a potted plant after an all-night bender? Yeah. That one.) pulled out her best Claire’s Boutique accessories and authentic pleather weight lifter’s gloves for this Steppin’ Out magazine photo shoot. From there, I can only assume she headed straight to the Maury Povich sound stage for a “My Wild Teen Dresses Too Sexy — Send Her to Boot Camp” intervention with Duane “D” West. Judge on this, haterz! Uh-uh! Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME!

Tags: affair, Gossip, Hailey Glassman, jon gosselin, magazine, steppin out

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S.S. Heidi Klum in Spanish Magazine DT

February 11th, 2010 at 12:35pm Under Celebrity News

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I’m all about the “suspenders with underpants” look. I think it could work for me just like it’s working for Heidi Klum in these pictures. Only instead of a metal chain or a strip of leather, I’d have to use something a little wider, like maybe six Ace bandages stitched together or a timing belt from an M1 Abram’s tank. Nipples the size of dinner plates can be both a blessing and a curse.