Hello my pretties, it’s Sarah. Abby’s got a roller derby thing happening today, but she’ll be back tomorrow and I heard she bought some dictaphone software just in case she shatters her wrist again, so it won’t even matter if she can’t type!
In news of the stupid, Jennifer Love Hewitt is turning 31, so naturally she dressed up in a cute, sophisticated cocktail dress and went out to a club with friends and had a few drinks and a good time. HAHAHA! No, I’m just fucking with you. What I mean to say is that she wore this jackassy nonsense, and while it does appear that two “friends” (possibly hired lackeys) were involved, they didn’t go anywhere or do anything other than stand outside her gate and pose for the paparazzi, whom she called and invited (possibly whilst crying).
And again, she’s turning 31. THIRTY-ONE. Not three. Not even 13. THIRTY-ONE.
This getup would be kind of a lame failure for an 80s themed bachelorette party involving actual buckets of margaritas, but as a birthday outfit for a grown ass woman? I don’t even have the time or the energy to address everything that’s wrong with this.
Jennifer Love Hewitt dressed up as Retard Barbie for her 31st birthday:
Jennifer Love Hewitt went for the fancy on Valentine’s Day with a trip to Taco Bell. Nothing says “viva la romance” like cheap Mexican food and fiery taco diarrhea. At least that’s what I learned from the boys growing up in the Belle Air Trailer Park.
It seems that Jennifer Love Hewitt took on the role of a stripper on her show “Ghost Whisperer” late last month, but given that nobody actually watches that piece of shit, it’s only now becoming news. Even though she’s supposed to be a stripper, she never actually strips, and her lingerie is so gigantic and flesh-concealing that could easily pass for a 1940’s bathing suit. She might as well be in a goddamn turtleneck and hip waders. Two words: EPIC FAIL. Also: BACK FAT.
Disappointing screen caps (8 more after the jump):
Jennifer Love Hewitt has jumped on the pole dancing class bandwagon, seen here leaving the Sheila Kelley S Factor class in Encino, CA. It really seems to be the new trend, doesn’t it? But I was doing it way back in elementary school when I discovered they had installed one in the new playground. I never could figure out what the big fuss was. If my little boy classmates wanted to spend their lunch money on me, that was their problem, not mine. School principals are so narrow-minded. They called it “indecent and a disgrace to our fine institution”, I called it crushing my entrepreneurial spirit. Bastards!
Well, it’s happened again; needless and debatably immoral airbrushing on the cover of a magazine. And just like last time, it’s yet another “women’s health” magazine that claims to focus on “Diet, Fitness, and Healthy Eating.”
Jennifer Love Hewitt appears on the cover of the October issue of Shape magazine. Now, she is by no means an overweight woman, but even so, this health and fitness magazine airbrushed her size 2 ass. You can see the October cover on the left and pictures of a slightly hippier, thicker in the waist Love Hewitt on vacation in Hawaii last month.
Part of the blurb for the October issue on Shape’s website reads:
“For the most part, yeah, I’m happy with my body, but there are days when I’m like, ‘Ugh! Really? Why is it so hard to fit into my jeans?’ That’s when I say to myself, ‘I look this way because I’m supposed to. If we all looked the same, we’d be boring.’” Here, she reveals her stay-healthy-and-happy strategies as well as her work out that she uses to stay slim and confident.
I’m not blaming Jennifer. What the magazine chooses to do with their cover is their business. It’s not often that I take the moral high ground– mostly because I spend so much time traversing the moral low ground that taking the high ground represents a rather strenuous and perilous climb for me. But if Shape magazine were a person, it should be downright ashamed of itself.
I can understand airbrushing out cellulite, blemishes, or shadows to present a cosmetically pleasing image. I can even begrudgingly acknowledge that a high fashion magazine– whose modus operandi is to present unrealistic images of clothing and women– might digitally eliminate a few pounds from a model to make her look thinner than she actually is.
But the hypocrisy of magazines that claim to be devoted to fitness, exercise, and “Total Body Confidence” airbrushing inches off someone as thin as Jennifer Love Hewitt to make her look even thinner while plying its readers with exercise moves guaranteed to “Take an Inch off your Hips” is just disgustingly impalpable….Unless their method for taking an inch off your hips involves Photoshop. And it doesn’t.
Seriously, if you have a subscription to Self or Shape magazine, you should probably cancel it. Right now. They’re just proving themselves to be full of crap and lies.
It was only this past January that Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall ended their year-long engagement and the universal question was posed: Will Jennifer Love Hewitt ever find love again? Take heart, the answer is a resounding “YES!”
JLH’s boyfriend Jamie Kennedy was on stage Saturday night at the Laugh Factory comedy club in Long Beach — I didn’t even know he was a comedian. Isn’t that horrible? — when an audience member yelled out that he should marry Hewitt. Kennedy responded by getting down on one knee and proposing to Jennifer “I Love You For Today” Hewitt. Thankfully, his request for her hand in marriage fell within her timeline.
Now, Jamie didn’t have a ring since this engagement was so nauseating impromptu, but I imagine they’ll be split up around the time that the ring shopping commences.
