Elle

Taylor Swift Goes Straight in Elle Magazine

March 9th, 2010 at 11:27am Under Celebrity News

Country singer Taylor Swift sports an edgier, flat-ironed ‘do in next month’s issue of Elle magazine. I have to say, it’s a real improvement. I had no idea how much better going straight would be. Which, incidentally, are eleven words you’ll never hear come out of Matthew Broderick’s mouth in succession. Not without him dissolving into a fit of giggles and a lot of frantic hand-flapping, anyway.

S.S. Scarlett Johansson in Elle Canada

February 26th, 2010 at 04:57pm Under Celebrity News

Scarlett Johansson graces the cover of next month’s Elle Canada, which poses an interesting question: why would Elle have a Canadian edition? Canada is about the least fashionable country ever, right behind Turkmenistan and The Federated States of Micronesia. There’s only so much you can write about the versatility of the Maple Leaf away-game jersey or the panache that ear flaps add to any woolen hat before it starts to get redundant.

Olivia Wilde in Elle Magazine

February 19th, 2010 at 10:12am Under Celebrity News

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It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words, but these pictures of Olivia Wilde in Elle magazine have just about done the trick. Adjectives fail me. So suffice it to say, “rrrmmmbleghrmmmbleghrrmm.” Motorboating noises are my go-to staple in times of uncomfortably aroused distress.

Tags: 2010, elle, Gossip, magazine, march, Olivia Wilde, Photos, pictures

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S.S. Helena Christensen Topless in Elle Magazine

November 30th, 2009 at 02:01pm Under Celebrity News

It’s a scientific fact that supermodel Helena Christensen is naked in two-thirds of the pictures ever taken of her, while the remaining third are just pictures of her topless. These pics from the January issue of Elle magazine would fall into the latter of those two categories. It’s also a scientific fact that if you use the words like “latter” and “contrariwise” and “theretofore” in a post, you can make a bunch of gibberish about boobs sound like fancy gentleman’s talk. You might want to extend your pinky and adjust your top hat while reading this.

Tags: elle, Gossip, helena christensen, january 2010, magazine, naked, nude, Photos, pictures, topless

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S.S. Sarah Jessica Parker in Elle Magazine

November 19th, 2009 at 07:49pm Under Celebrity News

sarah-jessica-parker-elle-december-2009-1

Well, look who’s on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine! It’s Carrie Bradshaw, patron saint of wannabe fashionistas everywhere. I guess being perceived as a clotheshorse has really paid off for Sarah Jessica Parker. God knows it has to be better than just being perceived as a regular horse like before. Zing!

In ~~Equistrian Monthly~~ ~~Bridle & Bit~~ the December issue of Elle:

Tags: cover, december 2009, elle, Gossip, magazine, Photos, pictures, Sarah Jessica Parker

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Monica vs Penelope Cruz in Elle and Vanity Fair

September 29th, 2009 at 10:22am Under Celebrity News

monica-cruz-elle-magazine penelope-cruz-vanity-fair

Trying to pick which Cruz sister is hotter is like trying to decide between having bacon or sausage for breakfast. You know it’s all from the same delicious animal… but still. Any fried meat enthusiast worth his weight in Lipitor would say the only real solution is to wrap the bacon around the sausage and stuff it in with both hands. So bon appétit, perverts!

Monica Cruz in Spanish Elle:

Penelope Cruz in Vanity Fair:

Pamela Anderson’s Beauty Secrets Revealed

September 10th, 2009 at 10:02am Under Celebrity News

pamela anderson beauty secrets

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “What can I do to get Pamela Anderson’s sparkling peaches and cream complexion?” Well, contracting Hepatitis C is a good start, but it takes more than just a viral disease to get that kind of glow. She tells next month’s Elle Magazine

“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.”

Nothing except six or seven pints of spooge, of course. But don’t push yourself — it took her forty years to achieve that kind of seminal volume. Just keep on sucking random dick, hit the tanning bed four or five times a day, drink tequila straight out of the bottle and practice juggling with dirty needles, and eventually, your skin will look like hers. I promise!

More of that gorgeous visage:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Pamela Anderson’s Beauty Secrets Revealed

September 10th, 2009 at 10:02am Under Celebrity News

pamela anderson beauty secrets

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “What can I do to get Pamela Anderson’s sparkling peaches and cream complexion?” Well, contracting Hepatitis C is a good start, but it takes more than just a viral disease to get that kind of glow. She tells next month’s Elle Magazine

“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.”

Nothing except six or seven pints of spooge, of course. But don’t push yourself — it took her forty years to achieve that kind of seminal volume. Just keep on sucking random dick, hit the tanning bed four or five times a day, drink tequila straight out of the bottle and practice juggling with dirty needles, and eventually, your skin will look like hers. I promise!

More of that gorgeous visage:

S.S. Lily Allen in October 2009 Elle Magazine

August 27th, 2009 at 06:50pm Under Celebrity News

lily-allen-october-2009-elle

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture of 24-year old Lily Allen sucking her thumb in next month’s issue of Elle magazine was the time my Uncle Lloyd got wasted at my sister’s wedding and finished his toast with, “Wanna know what the best thing about having sex with twenty-four year olds is? That there’s twenty of ‘em! Ha hahaha ha!” That was also the same year my Aunt Tina got arrested for stabbing him in the neck with a lawn dart at a pee-wee football game. True fucking story. Really, you can’t make this shit up.

Jennifer Aniston in Elle Magazine September 2009

August 21st, 2009 at 08:14am Under Celebrity News

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Jennifer Aniston’s massive spread in next month’s Elle magazine is accompanied by her infamous self-proclaimed-perennially-lovelorn-poster-child-for-failed-relationships interview, but all that’s about to change. And then inevitably come crashing down around her. Nine MSN says

Jennifer Aniston isn’t wasting any time crying over what might have been — she’s too busy pashing Gerard Butler on the set of her new movie… after the cameras stopped rolling!

A source on the set of The Bounty Hunter has spotted Jen and her co-star stealing kisses and acting “lovey dovey” between takes while shooting a fight scene.

The source also claims the pair have been regularly sneaking off to Jen’s trailer together and trying their hardest to keep the romance under wraps.

I don’t speak Australian, but “pashing” must be down under slang for “staring at him while he sleeps while rubbing her uterus with a Loa Serpent charm and the afterbirth of a formerly pregnant ewe.” It’s a very colorful language.