Nearly three months after the news of his car-accident-turned-whorefest broke, Tiger Woods is finally addressing the incident publicly for the first time. According to TMZ
Tiger Woods will speak publicly at the PGA Tour Headquarters on Friday at 11:00 AM ET.
According to Tiger’s agent, Mark Steinberg, Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior and discuss his plans for the future.
Steinberg said no one will be able to ask questions during the news conference. There is a report out that Tiger will read a prepared statement.
And the following message was posted on Tiger Woods’ official website yesterday:
“While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”
Sorry, but I think it’s too little, too late at this point. Unless he’s planning on pulling down his pants and showing he’s wearing a titanium chastity belt with armored 40H Mortise locks, I doubt anyone’s going to buy what he’s selling.
Hailey Glassman (Jon Gosselin’soriginal whore. You remember — the daughter of the plastic surgeon that did Kate’s c-section? The one who made love to a potted plant after an all-night bender? Yeah. That one.) pulled out her best Claire’s Boutique accessories and authentic pleather weight lifter’s gloves for this Steppin’ Out magazine photo shoot. From there, I can only assume she headed straight to the Maury Povich sound stage for a “My Wild Teen Dresses Too Sexy — Send Her to Boot Camp” intervention with Duane “D” West. Judge on this, haterz! Uh-uh! Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME!
Now that the rumors of Josh Duhamel’sinfidelity with an Atlanta stripper have finally cooled, up pops the same stripper with news that she’s carrying his bastard child. Like a Jack-in-the-Box, only with more silicone and illegitimate fetal tissue! According to Nine MSN
Nicole Forrester, the stripper who Josh allegedly cheated with last year, is three and a half months pregnant. And she says she’s 95% certain the baby is Josh’s.
“Yes I’m pregnant. Yes it’s probably Josh’s. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do,” the mum of two [said].
Josh and Nicole met at an Atlanta strip club. He initially denied her claims that they’d slept together, but she later took a polygraph test to prove her story was true.
God, celebrities are so fucking stupid. How hard is it to put on a goddamn condom? Or buy the morning-after pill? Or get your hands on a bottle of chloroform and an unspooled wire hanger? It’s almost like they think they’re so great that they’re somehow above the laws of nature. Well, I got news for you — you’re only above the law in the American penal system. Biology and physics bow to no man, bitches!
Josh at the Youth Run 4 Haiti; Fergie at the premiere of “Nine”:
A Playboy Cybergirl turned high-priced call girl revealed yesterday that she was mistress 3,274 in the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Now, I know you’re saying “ooh, another whore — so what, who cares?” Well, brace yourself: according to The Sun
Loredana Jolie, 26, said the golfer enjoyed watching MEN dirty dancing for each other.
The Sicilian-born blonde recalled: “Tiger’s sexual fantasies were not normal. He likes role playing, he likes to be the guy in control and wearing a suit while there are girls performing girl-on-girl and guys entertaining guys.
By that, I mean they would dance for each other like girls would do for a man. He had male friends, and I am sure they got involved.”
Accusations of homewrecking are being slung today — and surprisingly, Sienna Miller’s name hasn’t come up once. This time, it’s Natalie Portman who’s being labeled as a hussy for swooping in and snatching up Benjamin Millepied, the New York City Ballet dancer who choreographed her new movie “The Black Swan.” The NY Post says
“[Natalie and Benjamin have] been dating since the fall, although she hasn’t gone public with it because… Ben had a live-in girlfriend of three years when they met, a ballerina at the American Ballet Theater,” [says a friend]. “She had been talking about marrying him and was blindsided by the split.”
A spokeswoman for Portman said, “We have no comment about her personal life.”
I can’t believe the girl who played Queen Amidala of the Naboo would ever do something like this. Star in “Episode I,” I mean. Some sins against humanity are just unforgivable.
While Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegrenjoined her husband at Mississippi-based sex rehabilitation clinic Gentle Path over the weekend as part of his “intensive recovery program,” new reports of yet another of Woods’ mistresses surfaced — number 19 for those keeping count — who was still in contact with Tiger as recently as three weeks ago (see photo of her here). The Daily Mail says
Mother-of-two Emma Rotherham, 42, was paid more than [$600,000] hush money to keep quiet about their affair.
She agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement after a member of the golfer’s security team handed her a sports bag stuffed with half-a-million dollars in $100 bills.
A source [revealed], “Emma was his most recent mistress. They had a very, very passionate relationship and she has dozens of text messages and emails from him. Some were even sent while Tiger was trying to patch things up with his wife. If those came out, they’d bury him.”
Not only will the wifey be interested in all this — it appears the Internal Revenue Service wants a hand in it, too:
A federal tax inspector said: “Any large financial gift must be declared to the IRS, otherwise it will be dealt with as tax evasion.
This is a very high profile case, so I suspect when [Ms. Rotherham] files her tax return this year, they will be looking out for any large donation from an outside source.
Failure to declare this money would be considered an offense. The same applies to the person who made the donation, [in this case, Tiger Woods].”
Wait, they’re saying you have to report large duffel bags full of cash to the IRS? Well, I guess demanding payment in unmarked non-sequential bills is kinda pointless, then. Good to know. Colombian drug cartels and mafia dons, you might want to go ahead and start stocking up on 1040EZ forms now. April 15th will be here before you know it!
One of his other mistresses, Jamiee Grubbs, at a charity event last month:
After two years of flat-out denying it, would-be president John Edwards (shown here flashing gang signs — west sie-yeed!) is finally coming forward today to admit that he is the father of two-year old Quinn Hunter, the end result of an adulterous affair he had with campaign staffer Rielle Hunter while his wife was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Well, technically, he’s not coming forward — Edwards prepared a written statement, and then sent “a friend” into NBC to do the talking for him. But rest assured, it’s not because he’s a coward who doesn’t want to face the public; it’s just because there’s a pending federal investigation as to whether he used campaign money to try to cover up his affair that legally prevents him from speaking about it. An all-around stand-up guy right there. Radar Online says
Through his trusted advisor Harrison Hickman, Edwards released a statement to NBC’s Today Show on Thursday saying:
“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. It was wrong for me ever to deny that she was my daughter and hopefully one day when she understands, she will forgive me.
To all those who I disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough but I am truly sorry.”
But why is he coming forward now, you ask? Because he finally realized the error of his ways? Because he finally decided to grow a backbone and be a fucking man about it? Ha ha, of course not! It’s because one of his staffers has come out with a book about how Edwards had him pretend HE was the father of the bastard child, and Edwards needed to beat him to the punch:
Edwards wanted to make his announcement before his former aide Andrew Young appears in an ABC interview and reveals how he pretended to be the baby’s father as a favor to Edwards.
Young has written a book about the situation and his interview with ABC is scheduled to air next Friday.
Edwards decided it would be less damaging for him to admit paternity via a statement before Young trumpeted the news during a network TV interview.
Yesterday afternoon, I was out riding my bike with my dog jogging on the leash beside me, because I am a good and responsible pet owner who regularly exercises my pet, and some dude in a pickup truck eases up behind me and lays on the horn to yell something obscene about my ass. The horn was so loud and so close to us that it caused my dog to break stride and dart, terrified, into a drainage ditch. Her sprinting away from the road so quickly ripped me off my bicycle and onto the asphalt, bloodying both my elbow and knee and dislocating my left pinky finger (which has made typing a real fucking treat, let me tell you). And what does this asshole do? Apologize? Get out of the truck to help me? No. He stomps on the gas and leaves me laying there, bleeding, with a no-longer-rideable bike and a fucked up arm, to walk my bike and my dog three-quarters of a fucking mile home so I can take myself to the doctor. The point of this story: I’m pretty sure the asshole in the truck was John Edwards. You gotta admit, all his standard calling cards are there.
Epic diddler Tiger Woods may be high-tailing it to France in the wake of his highly-publicized affairs. Popeater has the exclusive story:
Tiger Woods might have to change his passport to Tigre Woods (French for Tiger), because Naughty But Nice is exclusively reporting that the devastated golf pro is pondering a move to France thanks to the country’s media rules. Tiger, like other celebs who are ducked out in the land of cheese and wine, hopes that these regulations will help him lay low while his cocktail waitress shenanigans scandal blows over.
According to Michael Wildes, immigration attorney and managing partner at prominent NYC-based immigration law firm Wildes & Weinberg, Woods’ dash to France makes sense, because there are “much stricter privacy laws that afford the Brangelinas of the world a tinted aquarium, rather than the transparent fishbowl that is the U.S. media, in which to live and breathe in virtual freedom and privacy.”
Sure, sure, they might have much stricter privacy laws than they do here, but I’m guessing there’s another reason for the rumored move. Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady had it pegged: “The French don’t care what you do, so long as you pronounce it correctly.” Bingo!
In the wake of his public cheating scandal, pro golfer Tiger Woods has decided to take an indefinite leave from the game that made him famous. He said in the statement (via Yahoo News):
I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.
I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.
You know, you could draw a lot of parallels between him and the late golf great Ben Hogan, who also took an indefinite leave from golf following a car accident. Only Ben’s leave was the result of a double-fracture of the pelvis, a fractured collar bone, a fractured ankle and chipped ribs after throwing himself across his wife Valerie in order to protect her in a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus, and Tiger’s was more of a “running away from his wife in a Vicodin-induced stupor because he was fucking everything with a pussy between here and San Bernadino.” Just leave out the whores and the booze and the lying and it’s practically the same freakin’ story.
Tiger Woods’ attorneys have gone ahead and put the kibosh on the airing of any nude photos and videos of their disgraced client. TMZ says
Tiger Woods’ lawyers sent a letter to multiple papers and blogs stating the court order “prevents the publication of any photographs, footage or images taken or obtained of the claimant [Tiger] naked or any naked parts of the claimant’s [Tiger's] body or of him involved in any sexual activity.”
But then they throw in this little disclaimer:
“This order is not to be taken as any admission that any such photographs exist, and in the event they do exist they may have been fabricated, altered, manipulated and/or changed to create the false appearance and impression that they are nude photographs of our client.”
Translation: oh, they’re out there — just give it time. The internet bows to no man. Once nekkid pics surface, they’re impossible to squelch. It’d be like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down. And how do you solve a problem like Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown! There. Now it’s in your head the rest of the day, too. Stupid Sound of Music. But I digress…
On to nobler pastures, Tiger was also paying for a lot of the pussy he was raking in. As in hookers. E! Online says
The owner of a now-defunct VIP escort service [Michelle Braun] says that she counted Woods among her celebrity clients and that the golfer “had a pretty big appetite for women.”
Two of [her] former employees were porn actress Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers. Neither Sampson nor Jungers could be reached for comment about their involvement with Braun, who gave E! News copies of [their] 1099 tax forms [from] last year.
Woods [was] always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.”
Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip.
First cocktail waitresses, then porn stars, now hookers — he’s pretty much run the gamut when it comes to your run-of-the-mill whore. All that’s left to surface now are donkeys and German transvestite dominatrices. I give it ’till the end of next week.
