Lenny Kravitz’ daughter is HOT> (Moe Jackson)

Elizabeth Hurley and bikinis. A match made in masturbatory heaven. (Hollywood Rag)

Lindsay Lohan sticks it to the fashion world. (Holy Moly)

Marie Claude Bourbonnais is a Candaian fetish model, eh? (Dirty Rotten Whore)

The Brangelina twins are walking! (Socialite Life)

What naughty word does Amanda Seyfried have tattooed on her foot? Hint: it’s another word for vagina. (CelebNewsWire)

The Top Ten Best Nude Scenes by an Academy Award Winner. (Mr. Skin)

Counting down until someone photoshops a penis into Adriana Lima’s mouth in 3, 2, 1… (UseMyComputer)

Shania Twain is see-through — with pokies! (Glamzilla)

Joe Jonas can NOT wear skinny jeans. Ever. (Lainey Gossip)

Katherine Heigl doesn’t return to the Grey’s Anatomy set! (The Blemish)

Pictures of Justin Timberlake cheating on Jessica Biel! (CelebSlam)

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I get a lot of hatemail telling me what a misogynistic douchebag I am because I call out celebrities for being fat. Like this post about Jessica Simpson, for example. So in light of all the angry comments and emails, I think I need to explain my reasoning for calling her fat yesterday, so that we can put all this ugliness behinds us and move on with our lives. Or at least so you’ll fuck off and stop being such a whiny crybaby bitch.

Let me begin by saying that fat does not mean obese. I wasn’t saying she’s obese, because she’s clearly not. “Plump” or “chubby” or “ample,” yes. Come on. Just look at her. She’s carrying about fifteen extra pounds around her midsection, whether you want to believe it or not. It’s right fucking there in the pictures. That part’s really not up for debate, because it’s a fact.

So why call her out on it, you ask? Well, here’s why. One, because it’s what I do. Two, she has a slew of dietitians, personal chefs and trainers at her disposal any given time of day; and three, she has more free time in one day than you and I will have in the space of two fucking weeks. That bitch has nothing but time. Somewhere in between getting a manicure and shooting another ProActiv commercial, she ought to be able to squeeze in a half hour at the gym. It’s her job to be attractive. Let’s not pretend she’s a real musician here. Her singing was always average at best — what sold it was the package, the buxom blonde bombshell, the great body.

Now, is she still better looking than 95% of America? Sure she is, because most of us are twenty pounds overweight anyway. So we can all agree here that yes, she is attractive, and yes, she’s gained some weight. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

And lastly, it’s my job to make fun of these people. If you want to read some kiss-ass ode to the wonderfulness that is Hollywood, you’re on the wrong fucking site. Snark is the name of the game here. If you can’t handle it, go back to typing your angry emails and wallowing in your tubs of Rocky Road and self-loathing. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to the gym. You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t walk around naked. Not unless they’ve got my 12% body fat and rock-hard gluts, anyway. Recognize!

And now for the one thing that binds us all together — boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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National poet of Scotland Robert Burns famously said, “When matters are desperate we must put on a desperate face.” I never really knew what that might look like until I saw these pics of Jennifer Aniston at “The Bounty Hunter” premiere last night. Jesus Christ. She stopped just short of humping Gerard Butler’s leg right there on the red carpet. I’ve seen Haitian immigrants strapped to driftwood that didn’t look that desperate.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

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The official video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” featuring Beyonce hit the interwebs today, and it’s big ol’ hot mess of “Kill Bill” meets “Thelma and Louise,” but without any of the kitsch that made either of those movies so endearing. Us Magazine says

The [video] opens with the pop diva being escorted into a women’s prison. Two gruff female guards throw her into a cell and strip off her clothes.

Gaga, with pasties on her breasts, sheer tights, and no underwear, throws herself up against the bars of the cell; the camera blurs out the X-rated view of the star’s genitals.

Quips a guard: “I told you she didn’t have a dick.”

As the video continues, Gaga breaks out of jail with the help of the “Pussy Wagon” from Kill Bill, teams up with a flirty, pouty-mouthed Beyonce, poisons a diner full of people.

The star [said] that she wanted the “Telephone” video to convey “the idea that America is full of young people that are inundated with information and technology and turn it into something that was more of a commentary on the kind of country that we are.”

I fail to see how cigarette eyeglasses and prison yard bitch fights and high-kicking diner chefs convey any sort of message about technology’s influence on American conventions, but I’m not a big faggot with pink hair and my own gossip blog. My hair is brown, thank you very much. That must make all the difference when you’re watching this video.

Screen caps from the video:

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The official results of Corey Haim’s autopsy have not been made public, but his mother claims it was actually pulmonary congestion and heart problems that killed him, not an overdose. According to People Magazine

Judy Haim says the coroner called her to disclose the actor suffered pulmonary congestion. [The] autopsy also found he had an enlarged heart along with the water in the lungs.

What role those factors played, if any, in Haim’s death isn’t known. L.A. Coroner Chief Craig Harvey notes, “There is no final cause of death at this time.”

Shortly before his death Wednesday at age 38, Haim complained of flu-like symptoms and had a high fever. The actor had long suffered from heart problems.

And God knows he was doing all he could to combat his flu-like symptoms — smoking crack five times a day instead of just three, and washing down his Xanax and Percocet with a bottle of vodka every six hours as directed. I guess it’s just one of those medical mysteries that will never really be solved. Damn you, science, for failing us once again!

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